With former American president Abraham Lincoln taking on vampires in cinemas this Friday, we decided to figure out which characters would make the list for mash-up movies. Here’s a sneek-peek
Monsters get served!
To the world, the Williams sisters appear to be just another tennis-sibling act, albeit a tough one to beat. But if you pay attention to the furtive whispers at the seedier bars in Melbourne, Paris, London and New York, you might change your mind. The truth is that the sisters, under the tutelage of their father, are the most feared demon hunting team in the world. They became ace tennis players when they realised that demons are drawn to crowds that throng major tournaments. For years, they made the rounds of the championships, ridding the world of all kinds of monsters. In 2011, after fighting off a small army of werewolves, both the sisters were left injured and believed incapable of slaying monsters anymore. However, the slew of vampire killings across UK this year seem to indicate otherwise. There’s no keeping down the Williams sisters.
Born This Way
You had to know Lady Gaga was an alien. Born on the distant planet of Gl’Amp Op, whose inhabitants are known for their dramatic natures, she was exiled to Earth for her excessively annoying poker face. On Earth, she grew up on a steady diet of pop videos (later, she would discover that Madonna was her grandmother). She realised she could get famous by just behaving the way everyone did on her home planet. Life was good until she learnt that Gl’Amp Op had been invaded by Cl’As Sic’al, and her people were now being forced to listen to symphonies. She trawled the entertainment world for other aliens sympathetic to her cause and created an army of leather-wearing soldiers, who can be seen protecting her in her music videos. In a couple of years, after she reached 100 million supporters on Twitter, she headed back to Gl’Amp Op, where she plans to restore auto tune and repetitive lyrics.
Aliens vs. Astronaut
Yes, the moon landing video was fake. But not for the reasons you think. When Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, their shuttle was surrounded by grey moon aliens who attacked them because they thought they were here to invade their land. So the duo did what any good earthling would do; they extended a hand of friendship. Now, it turns out that wanting to shake someone’s hand is the ultimate insult on the moon. Faced with an angry and hostile alien army, the astronauts ran back into the shuttle to grab the only weapon they had — a flag. A bloody (not so bloody actually, moon aliens have no blood to speak of) 50 minutes later, Armstrong and Aldrin were the only two left standing. Houston was watching in horror the whole time as the astronauts methodically slayed every alien on the moon. After the massacre was over, Houston held a hasty conference with the President of the United States, who told them to hush up the whole incident. Ground control told the duo to clear the bodies away and then make the official video of the landing. And yes, Armstrong’s original words were “One small alien fleet for us, one huge plot for Earth!”
If you ever wondered why Steve Jobs always wore a black turtleneck and slacks, it was because he was a cyborg and only his face was humanoid. Jobs was created in a secret laboratory in Antarctica by scientists who were tired of lugging around bulky black laptops. They planted him in USA and subtly manipulated the world of gadget companies to ensure that he steadily grew to be the most influential visionary of his times. When Jobs was a young robot, the scientist fed him with Isaac Asimov’s I, Robot. He was so influenced by the book that he decided to name all the products he would create after the book. When he was around 50 (in human years), his creators warned him that rival companies had designed rogue robots to take him down. Jobs went underground for several years, training and studying, till one day, he faced the robot fleet. He defeated the robot fleet but was left mangled beyond repair. His creators have preserved his electronic brain and vowed to resurrect him if ungainly, difficult-to-use electronics ever flooded the market again.
In the dead of the night they came to kill him. They riddled his body with bullets, checked his vital signs and pronounced him dead. The world rejoiced — Osama bin Laden was dead! The Navy Seals who carried out the operation buried him at sea, as per their instructions. They came home heroes. The reign of terror had ended. But one of the men who carried out the operation was not so sure. Logan (not his real name, of course) had spent ten years searching for bin Laden. It seemed impossible that he had been finished off so easily. But everyone, from his colleagues to his family, laughed at his fears. Still uneasy, Logan retired and went to live in a house in the south of France. For years there was silence. But deep beneath the sea, something was brewing. Ships mysteriously disappeared. Survivors went mad and muttered about the living dead. Then one day, a man climbed out of the sea. His beard had been gnawed at by sea creatures. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin grey. A strip of cloth was wrapped clumsily on his head. When the fisherman found him, he asked him who he was. But the only word the strange man would mumble was “Logan!”
Category: Arts & Entertainment