What went wrong?

Were the leftovers from your wedding reception the last dinner you and your husband shared? Here are notes from one couple’s life

Were the reheated leftovers from your wedding reception the last enchanting dinner your husband and you shared? Has the spark finally extinguished? Are you among that crowd that flips through pages of magazines, speed read countless articles or endlessly answers self-help questionnaires?

Nina truly believed she was blissfully going to share her fairytale future with Raj, expecting occasional unsavory bits along the way. “Even after ten years, I don’t have a solid concept of marriage,” Nina comments. She explains they’re 99% sure genuine love was the basis since college, but confusion arises when challenges bank on the 1% of uncertainty. “I thought couples decided to get married, because they really wanted to share and enrich each other’s lives; not live separate lives, like Raj and I do.”

Nina shows me a photograph taken of them at their wedding reception, their first dance. With their current scheduling conflicts, it seems they only waltz by each other in passing, and often sleep in separate bedrooms. As owner and wedding coordinator, Nina is always rushing to meet a client. Raj is a renowned chef at one of New York Times highest rated Indian restaurants, and tiptoes into the house after midnight.

“It was out of consideration, at first. Now… it’s a daily routine.” The words barely escaped Nina’s lips. “We live in the same house. Sometimes we’re even in the same room, but we’re completely detached. I don’t know what happened.” Nina disclosed. She says they were inseparable before the engagement and for the first six months of filling out every joint bank account and rental property application. Learning about each other was an exciting stage of their relationship.

Nina and Raj’s theories are vastly different. Raj says, “It’s completely unjust when she forces me to do something that I have no interest in.” Nina’s truly convinced couples essentially sign a lifetime lease to do everything together when they choose to get married, braising the relationship with healthy doses of freedom. She complains that dining together typically involves watching TV. While their mouths are chewing, they laugh at someone else’s problems, possibly evading their own.

Nina wonders what happened. Well, I like to call this the “Chase Phase”:

Week 1: Poetically captivate her heart with affectionate greeting cards, painting future dreams, and timely present meaningful, yet priceless keepsakes.

Week 2: Spend oodles of time with her and know when it’s too much.

Week 3: Divert intense topics and potential nagging with romantic walks.

Week 4: Before engagement, be attentive, plan dates and when to mention her likes at precisely the right time.

Week 5: The last romantic walk is down the wedding isle.

Week 6: She’s taken your name, so no need to sign it in every greeting card and remind her no present is precious as she is. Week 7: Cable television vs. table conversation.

Ladies, do you ever wonder if the “Chase Phase” is an underground course, universally taught in men’s locker rooms, coaching them how to lure and settle down with women?

Fortunately for Nina and Raj, they’ve rekindled the meaning behind their vows to each other, and once again enjoy sharing moments together. Nina no longer is immersed in her client’s fantasy wedding; she’s brought those visions to reality. She now makes time to meet Raj and he gives her full attention without answering his cell phone. They also confirm that lack of intimacy can distance relationships to the point of no return, and that ‘making up’ can be a sweet intoxication.

Nina and Raj prove the “Chase Phase” can ripen into stubbornness unless bowlfuls of blandness aren’t replaced with spoonfuls of mutual appreciation. A perfect fusion to tempt the tongue demands constant attention and passion, as marriages crave, or beware the taste of sweet intentions gone sour.

Tags: leftovers, relationship

Category: Blogs, Kona's Korner