It doesn’t get more accurate than this!

But… Seriously

Ajay Hotchandani

Here’s your horoscope folks. (It’s a joke people, don’t take it personally.)

Aries

Besides being born as a result of your parents’ poor planning you were also unfortunate enough to be born dark. Beauty being in the eye of the beholder, it would benefit you if the world was blind. You have a secret desire to eat cheese while checking your email. When it comes to matters of finance, you’re the reason why people think Indians are cheap. Your favourite past time is watching Chinese cooking shows dubbed in Tamil. Communication is your key word for this month; however no one will tell you this until next month.

Taurus

You resemble your sign, you are full of bull! You are not attractive, but your saving grace is that your mum owns lots of diamonds and your dad drives a Mercedes. You have a good circle of imaginary friends who adore your sorry excuse for fashion. Food is your weakness, and your large rear is a testament to that. You have a deep fear of wet paper bags. Great time is spent discussing issues with loved ones, but you are often ignored and sometimes even mocked.

Gemini

When your star aligns with your plant you will have a severe case of explosive diarrhoea, so wear brown pants to help disguise any mishap. You are such a materialistic person you would sell your own kidney to buy a new cell phone. When it comes to kids, efforts haven’t been made by the scientific community to ensure your genes do not continue to exist in the gene pool. Romance is only a phone call away; have your credit card ready and make sure your mother doesn’t pick up the phone this time. A future trip to Mexico or Canada may be in order if you plan to go to the US anytime soon.

Cancer

You are unique; you march to the beat of the voices in your head. Career promotion and financial rewards would be on your agenda; however, the mentally retarded always beat you to it. You often experience high levels of tension and constipation when you can’t find soft toilet paper. You are a very caring person; problem is you only care about yourself. Your friends and you don’t see eye to eye, but that’s ‘cause of the height difference. Being technology inept, people around you might frequently find themselves explaining to you why the phone won’t turn on the TV.

Leo

Acting on impulse is what you are known for; however, people will remember you for being annoying. There will be matters you and your partner don’t agree on; this is best resolved by having them leave the room. You have a strong inner conscience that often leads you to making horrible decisions. In the near future you will encounter great difficulties using office stationery. If you look in the kitchen, you will see unfinished business, now go wash those dishes.

Virgo

Things in your career and life will happen depending on your drive and ambition, which means you are screwed you lazy bum! Work­ing with — rather than against the flow should be easy to do, especially since you are weak and can be pushed around easily. The planets and the reflection in the mirror are indicating that you have a deeper reason to feel worried about finding someone.

The others will be enlightened…in my column next week.

Tags: Ajay Hotchandani, featured, full-image, horoscope, zodiac signs

Category: Opinion