When I was growing up, I always imagined being a doctor would be this fast-paced world where every patient that walked in would have a life-threatening disorder and you had 30 seconds to save their life. I also believed that every doctor knew everything about medicine there was to know (this might have been true in 1895) and that they always had the answer ready to go before you can even finish the question.
It’s 2012 and I am here to tell you that all what I thought it was, it is not. Furthermore, if you run into a doctor that thinks he knows it all, RUN! But not knowing everything does not deter friends, family and Facebook friends from contacting you whenever they feel like with a medical inquiry. I know I took the Hypocratic Oath where I promised to help mankind but nowhere in the oath does it say I have to answer a call at 4am to your question regarding anal leakage.
For all the weird and insanely ridiculous medical questions I’ve been consulted on, there is one thing that stays constant, the “uhmmm” phone call. Let me break it down for you. It’s 5pm and I’m sitting at home trying to figure out what I want to eat and fighting off sleep when the phone rings. “Hello” I say, because I’ve found out that answering the phone with, “This is pimp daddy Rajinder Patel Hotel Motel, how may I help you?” often times ends up with the other party hanging up. On the other end, there is a happy voice of a friend of mine who happens to be a girl. “Hey how are you?” she asks. “Hungry” I say; you will learn very quickly I am almost always hungry and the only time I’m not hungry is when I’m full. So she makes small chit-chat and we talk for a little. And like an algorithm, her voice gets soft and she says “uhmmm can I ask you a medical question… uhmmm it’s kinda personal” — TRANSLATON “hey doc something is wrong with my vagina/uterus and I don’t know what to do”.
Trying to make it easier for her, I bring it up and say “Is it a gynaecological question?” To which she says yes and that is followed by the second “uhmmm”. “Uhmmm I don’t know how to say it?” So let me break down the second “uhmmm” for you. Either something is bleeding that shouldn’t be bleeding, something that should be bleeding isn’t bleeding, something that shouldn’t be growing in you is growing in you (this might get your parents upset), it burns when you pee or something funny is there (and when I say funny I don’t mean someone drew a clown down there). When the second “uhmmm” is addressed, then comes the third “uhmmm”, “uhmmm” what do you think I should do, to which my standard response is always, “Please bring me some food so we can talk about it”…I’m kidding, I’ll gladly go pick up the food from you. For the most part I have an idea how to address the situation, but when I am unsure you get the fourth “uhmmm”, “uhmmm that sounds bad I think you need to go see the doctor right away. Hey, on your way to the hospital can you drop off some food for me, thanks!”
On a final note, if you happen to find yourself at 4am with a bad case (‘cause as far as I know there is no such thing as a ‘good case’) of anal leakage and you are wondering, “Uhmmm, what the hell should I do?” Best thing to do, call a plumber to fix the leak, otherwise you are going to find yourself in front of a doctor that’s saying, “Really, you interrupted me eating for this?”