The quintessential ‘Andhra Ammayi’ in Telugu movies today, is usually not Telugu. As we wonder why, we take a satirical look at the step-by-step guide to becoming a Tollywood belle
No Telugu please
Ladies, if you know how to speak perfect Telugu, please count yourselves out — the more Telugu you speak, the bleaker are your chances of becoming a Tollywood heroine. If you are an import from Mumbai (primarily) or from any other state, the more your chances of portraying that perfect ‘Teluguness’. Never mind the fact that on the big screen, the heroine seems to be rattling off ‘Baa baa black sheep’, while the actual dialogue is something like Baava, nenu ninnu premistunnanu (Dear cousin, I am in love with you). And, even if you do know Telugu, a dash of accent (Americanised or anglicised — pick your choice), does wonders to your career.
Won a beauty pageant?
If you have, baby, you are halfway into Tollywood! The people who benefit most when results of Kingfisher, Corona, Bagpiper and other sponsored beauty titles are out are our supremely hard-working and dedicated directors, because their search in finding the right girl for their movie that is ‘completely different from the rest’ becomes easier. It sure is hard and unfair that they have only a meagre eight-crore population to pick their female lead from, isn’t it?
Colour me right baby
It’s that kind of a shade that is not available on any of the shade cards, be it for tinted creams, water colours or wall paints. It is that one particular shade of that particular colour that seems to elude the natives for some strange reason. Is it the food or the weather that brings in that colour? It is yet to be determined. To put an end to this mysterious phenomenon, it is perhaps the right idea and the right time to invest in some scientific research to probe into this occurrence. In the mean time, all you Telugu ladies — do not lose hope, try different permutations and combinations of food and exercises — you never know you might come out with ‘flying colours’!
It’s all in the publicity honey
Whether it is the launch of a new brand of shaving cream, or the celebration of the successful ‘running’ of a men’s underwear brand, if you have been invited, just be there. No matter whether you relate to what’s happening or not, as long as you have the spotlight on you, smile, wink, and throw an occasional flying-kiss in the air. Bingo, you got your share of fan-following in the audience already. And who knows, you might end up getting a few return gifts to take back home — and we are not talking… ahem… underwear here.
Say something and then deny it
This tip is for the ladies who have somehow managed their way atop Tollywood towers, but simply cannot understand why the media has written them off for the nth time, and dismissed off the acting skills that their kith and kin are raving about. Not fair, we understand. Before you decide to pack bags, and move to America or wherever, try saying something that you wish you never said and wait till you see the next day’s papers. If there is nothing written about your blasphemous outburst, by all means take the taxi to the airport. And if you do see something written about your last evening’s escapades, cancel your flight immediately — brighter days are here to come.
The list of tips, of course, is not exhaustive, and sooner or later, hopefully we can come up with a tips-and-tricks list for Telugu girls who have finally made it big in Tollywood. But for the moment, we advise you ladies to stay calm and practice meditation for inner peace.